The SHIELD Reports
by SironaFlett .o.x.o
Summary: On the morning of the 15th of July I received an email from a Miss Darcy Lewis with 20 documents attached revealing the inner workings of S.H.I.E.L.D and the 6 operatives known by the public as "The Avengers". But don't tell Fury.
1. Chapter 1

The following documents are top secret government reports given to or by the AVENGERS INITIATIVE and other S.H.I.E.L.D operatives. These are making their way to President Obama's office where he may oversee all the exploits of the AVENGERS and inform the general public of their actions that is both secure to the American Security Program and retains the principal of openness amongst congress and the Supreme Court.

If these letters find their way to anywhere other than the President's hands, severe punishment shall be sought.

You have been warned.

Nick Fury

Director of S.H.I.E.L.D


	2. Chapter 2

**REPORT**

**TO: **NICK FURY – DIRECTOR OF S.H.I.E.L.D

**FROM: ** Tony Stark, Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr, Sex god, Genius billionaire playboy philanthropist…

**DATE:** 15 JULY 2012

**ABOUT:** Those reports you didn't want to lose… Well…

So, let me explain with a short anecdote about how Agent Coulson lost the report files.

As you know these files were locked in a briefcase and backed up with one very important USB stick. On the afternoon of the 1st of July 2012 about 3:23pm, I was making my way from the kitchens in the Hellicarrier (by the way, fantastic donuts) towards the labs and accidently bumped into Agent Phil Coulson (which you haven't told us how he survived…) who was talking very excitedly about these reports.

I wasn't interested and continued further, much more concerned with the fact that I had forgotten my coffee, I doubled back to see Agent Coulson arguing with one of the guards. I sought to use my excellent powers of persuasion to try and diffuse the tension and somehow things escalated.

Agent Coulson claimed that this particular guard had lost the memory stick with all the vital reports on it. The guard took what can only be described as a hissy fit and stormed off, only to return with the USB stick a moment later.

Coulson, annoyed as ever told me that he needed to take a short bathroom break and handed me the memory stick, telling me to guard it with my life. And I did so until 3:30pm that afternoon, which I dub as "Happy Hour". Don't tell Bruce that… Anyway, I was slightly intoxicated and gave the plans to the young girl that you hired to help around in the labs… Bugger what's her name? Agent Darcy Lewis.

Now, I have asked her, but she claims she has no idea, but from then on all documents found themselves on this site called … You should really check it out… They have documents saying that you shagged Agent Coulson senseless one night… It's really awesome…

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that the missing reports are not really missing…

Rather…

On a site for everyone to see.

And review…

So…

Yeah…

Told you there was a reasonable explanation for it all…


	3. Chapter 3

**S.H.I.E.L.D DEBRIEFING**

**MISSION: PERU**

Notes taken by Agent Maria Hill

**9:02am:** Avengers assimilate into board room.

**9:03am:** Tony Stark suggests that debriefing shall start with tequila and gin.

**9:03am:** Clint Barton agrees.

**9:03am:** Natasha Romanoff agrees.

**9:03am: **Steve Rogers agrees

**9:04am:** Nick Fury disagrees. Ergo, no tequila shots or gin.

**9:05am:** Stark suggests whiskey instead.

**9:05am:** Director Fury starts debrief

**9:06am**: Stark interrupts, asks why AGENT HILL is taking notes.

**9:07am:** AGENT HILL REFUSES TO ANSWER

**9:08am: **Bruce Banner asks how long they have to be here.

**9:08am: **FURY decides not to answer.

**9:10am: **Thunder and lightning outside.

**9:15am: **Thor enters bellowing and waving mjolnir

**9:16am: **Fury tells him to sit down.

**9:17am: **Stark's cell phone is confiscated because he was playing Angry Birds instead on listening to the debriefing.

**9:18am: **Stark's other cell phone is confiscated after it goes off playing Black Sabbath's IRON MAN

**9:19am: **Stark complains, Fury notes it.

**9:20am: **Stark complains again.

**9:21am: **Thor asks for Pop-tarts

**9:22am: **Fury asks if they can finish the debriefing quickly.

**9:22am: **Banner seconds that notion.

**9:23am: **Thor once again asks for pop-tarts.

**9:24am: ** Thor demands pop-tarts.

**9:25am: **Agent Coulson is told to go find some pop-tarts. And coffee. And gin.

**9:26am: **Agent Coulson is told not to get gin. Stark is told off.

**9:30am: **Stark suggests that wearing pants is a violation of is human rights.

**9:31am: **Thor concurs and proceeds to pull off his own pants.

**9:31am: **Fury declares that the only person who is not required to wear pants is the Hulk because a material hasn't been found that is stretchy enough. Thor pulls his pants back on

**9:32am: **Banner reminds them that they have a mission ahead.

**9:33am: **Rogers reminds everyone that they have a mission.

**9:34am: **Romanoff reminds everyone that they have a mission ahead.

**9:35am: **Barton reminds everyone that he wanted some gin.

**9:36am **Stark agrees.

**9:37am: **Fury asks Banner to locate item taken from S.H.I.E.L.D security. Banner agrees and leaves.

**9:49am: **Stark declares that he should go and help "Brucey-Wucey" do the complicated science thing.

**9:50am: **Rogers tells Stark to shut up

**9:53am: **Stark is sent away to the labs for breach of conduct towards Rogers, a full report will be submitted later.

**9:55am: **Fury dismisses what is left of the team.

**9:56am: **Barton asks for gin.


	4. Chapter 4

**REPORT**

**TO: **DIRECTOR NICK FURY dad

**FROM: **HAWKEYE, CLINT BARTON, ROBIN HOOD

**DATE: **19 JULY 2012

**PRETAINING: **The P.E.R.U mission

Tony told me you don't like it when people start off mission statements with the sentence "So let me explain" but in all honesty, I can't see any other way of explaining the mission to you than offer an apology.

As you know (of course you do, you're Nick Fury) We were sent off to a number of governments to persuade them to put the radioactive warheads on hold until we could figure out what our dear old friend Galactus wanted. Well of course Tony took initiative and wound up screwing (but not literally he does that with Steve) around with half of the politicians and somehow, I don't know how it happened, most of the nuclear radioactive heads were put on hold. (a head for a head perhaps?)

Anyway, all but one politician was unimpressed, so Doctor Banner showed the effects that radioactive nuclear deterrents could have on civilian populations, not showing how awesome it could work out with everyone turning into a great big green monster every time they were out of milk. I did say this to him and he kicked me in the shin, so I demand that his lab privileges be revoked for that action

Agent Romanoff then decided to take the helm as Russians did not respond kindly to Captain New York and those 49 lesser states tried to intervene only to be made worse when Thor appeared speaking ye olde Englishe. That really riled up President Putin's pussy. Oh look, alliteration is a beautiful thing…

Tasha found out where the nuclear missiles were stored and we gathered up quickly, leaving Bruce behind… I feel bad for the guy really I mean, he should have at some of the action too, when he's not Flubber…

So outside a little village in the Mongolian Dessert the base of operations were found, only to be discovered that it wasn't just the Russians, this made Natasha happy until Tony made a quip and she smacked him over the head.

Thing is, we didn't think about the other operatives working there, of course they were armed and of course they were pissed. Captain that Hates Canada brandished his Frisbee and knocked several out at once. Tasha did that impressive thigh grabby the neck thing that we all fantasise about at night, and managed to get the leader on the ground before turning her attention back towards the controls which can only be described as beeping ominously. Tony of course, being the nerd that he is, sought to figure out what the beeping was and sadly that's when it pretty much went all tits-up.

Turns out we hadn't disabled the security network and in case of invasion from foreign territories, it activated a small electromagnetic pulse – that's what Tony said, and the Iron Man suit kind of went nuts. Like really fucking nuts and went flying everywhere.

That was a bad thing, trust me.

The suit managed to press all the buttons.

And that is how Hyde Park in London England was blown up.


End file.
